The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
