Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
