The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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