I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
