I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
