She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
sarcasm needs its own font
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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