i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
