maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
