College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
