Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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