Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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