i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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