alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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