Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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