zippers are such a cool invention
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
