I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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