I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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