so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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