This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
