Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
