checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
