I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
