I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
