The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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