he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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