if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I didn't shave. On purpose
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
