I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
