my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
