Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
