Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
