I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
