Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
