Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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