did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
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He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
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They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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