I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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