I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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