I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
