Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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