Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
