Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
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