nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Bring me that man meat
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
