He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
