I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
