well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
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