shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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