Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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