I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian