The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.