we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same