so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
COCAINE IS GR8
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
