I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You left your phone here
Wait...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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