so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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