I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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