I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
