Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
