I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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