your parents love me but you hate me
Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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