Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Randomize
