My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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