This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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