Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
