New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
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I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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